Thanks for all of the good advice and offers to trade or let me donate my camera. I have scraped up enough of my 85 IQ points to figure out the camera, but as some of you have pointed out, the stupid thing didn't come with a lens. No wonder my photos all came out black. Luckily I still have my 18-55 IS kit lens that came with Rebel XSi, but it won't fit. It looks like the weatherproof seal (?) is preventing it from screwing onto the camera. Maybe I can just tape a magnifying glass to the front or something?
Also, I still haven't figured out what happened to my microSD card. I didn't have an SD card, but I put the little card in the camera as you all suggested. It rattles but won't come out.
It seems that my problems would be solved by purchasing a second 1D X to even out my balance. Either that or buy a Q-Ray band from that guy in the mall.